Some More Scolari Balboa v. Ivica Drago and Big Up To Jornada 4

By: Greg | September 14th, 2007

portxt Okay, so if you’re in a barroom brawl, maybe you aren’t going to go out of your way to search out Big Phil for help. The guy has an AWFUL left jab. It was more or less not going to even move a house fly, given that he made the same motion as one attempting to throw a gyroball. I mean who punches by essentially leading with their elbow and then flailing their clenched fist toward their target? This motion is suited basically only for moving the left over graphite and rubber off of a newly-erased calculus problem, in which case you’d be using the open back of your hand rather than a fist. Unless, of course, L’Hospital’s Rule just isn’t “doing it” for you that day. In which case, a fist would be not only acceptable, but entirely necessary.

I don’t care if Dragutinović informed Scolari of some motor boating he did inside Mrs. Scolari’s birth canal, like I said yesterday, if Portugal were winning/dominating the way they should have been, Scolari wouldn’t have been so compelled to try and remove the pasta sauce stain from Dragutinović’s face. Rather, Big Phil’s hand could have simply shot towards the scoreboard and let Dragutinović know that, in spite of his using Mrs. Scolari’s most intimate of areas as his own personal marina, Portugal were still winning 4-1 and nanny nanny poo poo.

In short, if Philly’s boys were getting results, fans and the press wouldn’t care if the Bulging Brazuca stood stark naked in his technical area while getting fellated by a hippopotamus. Winning is the ultimate cure-all tonic for just about anything. Unless, of course, you subscribe to Serbian boss Javier Clemente’s philosophy on winning and Big Phil: “I can’t understand how [Scolari] who has won the World Cup cannot stand to lose. If he isn’t capable of doing this he should change jobs.” Yeah, that’s what we want! A coach who’s good at taking losses! He won the World Cup because he can’t stand to lose. This is probably the dumbest, most nonsensical comment I’ve read in quite some time.

Enough about the presently overwhelmingly mediocre national team. There’s a new jornada on the horizon! This week sees a battle for first place take… umm… place between Porto and perennial juggernaut Marítimo. Domingos Paciencia (shown here trying to surreptitiously smell his fingers post ass scratching) makes his managerial debut for Academica against Pacos de Ferreira. And…other than these two SCORCHING HOT story lines, this jornada’s fixtures are leaving me feeling an overwhelming sense of apathy going into the weekend. However, I shall overcome Lady Apathy’s attempt to woo me and present you with this weekend’s schedule as well as FixtureFacts 2.4, with each club’s founding year in parenthesis.

-=Jornada 4=- I haven’t moved, so all times are still Eastern.

Friday, September 14 @ 4:15 PM — V. Setúbal (1910) v. Braga-doccio (1921)

Saturday, September 15 @ 12:00 PM — Boavista (1903) v. Leixões (1907)
Saturday, September 15 @ 2:15 PM — FC Porto (1893) v. Marítimo (1910) **Ugghh.. Match Of the Week**
Saturday, September 15 @ 4:15 PM — Benfica (1904) v. Naval (1893)

Sunday, September 16 @ 11:00 AM — Académica (1887) v. Paços de Ferreira (1950)
Sunday, September 16 @ 1:00 PM — E.d.Amadora (1932) v. Sporting (1906)
Sunday, September 16 @ 3:15 PM — Belelelelelenenses (1919) v. U.d.Leiria (1966)

Monday, September 17 @ 2:45 PM — V. Guimarães (1922) v. Nacional (1910)

This is all for now. Have a fantastic weekend and hopefully all of you get laid, you know, if you’re in to that sort of stuff. If not, then hopefully you rise out of the depths of your parents’ basement and make it to a bar to catch one of the games listed above. Sometimes a good match can end up being like 1/100,000th as good as sex.