Skip to the Asterisks If You Came Here Wanting to Read Only About Football
By: Greg | November 9th, 2007
I’m faced with a dilemma. I’m sincerely interested in having a nice weekend filled with football, folks, and fun. However, my wife seems to think that I’m supposed to “help get the apartment situated.”
First of all, I don’t personally think the apartment needs any type of situating. It’s not going anywhere. In my opinion, one’s living space is an organic, forever changing being which requires constant, albeit nuanced, nurturing… Clean a dish here. Fluff a pillow there. Find a place for the bedroom toys to hide…
On a side note, we have a great idea for this. Put them out almost in the open. Like in a duffel bag that sits next to the bed. This way it’s easily accessible when needed and a drunk person who goes snooping in your bedroom would never think you’d be stupid enough to leave such personal and sensitive items out for easy perusal. It’s like standing in the middle of a dark room during hide and go seek.
Back to my problem. My wife thinks that I’ve basically contributed nothing to the new apartment essentially because I haven’t scrubbed a plate or swept a floor. However, I have moved up two flights of narrow stairs the following: a 700 pound glass TV stand, a queen size poster bed, two 1980’s Miami Vice inspired black leather couches, a dining room table with 3/4″ thick glass top, a nightstand, and a two ton dresser. Not to mention two 30″ diameter steel tables which have the distinction of being dense, heavy, and awkward to handle (I could make a sister-in-law joke here…). I have lugged these items up the aforementioned Machu-Picchu-esque steps so that she may have the pleasure of cleaning each and every inch of them. But alas, I have done “nothing.”
My friends, I need a way to satisfy my wife’s non-bedroom related apartment tidying needs. I also need to get my fill of football and frittatas this weekend. Since I have given you a most fantastic way to hide your most intimate of bedtime body probes, I implore you to offer me your advice on how I can strike a happy medium between accomplishing the tasks required of me around the apartment and taking in a reasonable about of football, which will I will begin discussing NOW…
***Full Fledged Football Talk Starts Here***
Jornada 10 is upon us and Porto are still flying high on the Good Ship Lollipop. After a midweek Champions League win against Marseille, E.d.Amadora are going to probably look like high schoolers in comparison. Meanwhile Sporting are involved in my “Match of the Week” as they face off against lone Portuguese UEFA Cup survivor Braga. Benfica should make short work of Boavista, but if the game gets out of hand or swings in Boavista’s favor, I’m sure Binya can sweep a few legs a la Johnny Lawrence and take out any troublesome Boavistans. This week’s startling edition of “FixtureFacts” gives you the number of times each team has won the Portuguese Liga title. Prepare to be shocked
-=Jornada 10=- All times and dates Portuguesian.
Sexta-feira - 20:30 — Belenenses (1) v. Leixões (0)
Sábado - 20:30 — V.Guimarães (0) v. Paços de Ferreira (0)
Domingo - 16:00 — V. Setúbal (0) v. Académica (0)
Domingo - 16:00 — Naval (0) v. U.d.Leiria (0)
Domingo - 18:00 — Benfica (31) v. Boavista (1)
Domingo - 19:15 — Braga (0) v. Sporting (22) **Match of Week**
Domingo - 20:45 — E.d.Amadora (0) v. Porto (25)
Segunda-feira - 19:45 — Nacional (0) v. Marítimo (0)
I hope to be able to catch a few of these matches given my wife’s stranglehold on my manhood. If not, the apartment will look great by Sunday and you’re all invited! Kisses ALL AROUND!!
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Comments
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Laurie makes a mental note: Never ask to borrow a gym bag from Greg.
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United States
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I’m sorry, I’m too distracted by the fact that you have a 700 pound tv table to actually worry about your plight. Isn’t the point of moving to GET RID OF things like that? You know, like the wagon wheel table in When Harry Met Sally? That shit needed to be left on the curb outside your old place. (Unless, of course, you like it, in which case disregard all of this.)
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United States -
Basically you have two options:
1. Pop a bottle of No-Doz and do it tonight.
2. You have to go out immediately and get her a gift certificate to a spa without the date of payment on it, and pay in cash. This is key if you don’t want her to know you got it today. She might suspect it, but she won’t care after the treatment. The other key is to ask what takes the longest but costs the least amount of money; if you don’t care you go with the 12 hour Swedish massage, after which she won’t move until Tuesday. Therefore, she’ll be so relaxed and/or occupied at the spa she’ll have no desire to do that type of work this weekend.
My personal favorite is, and this is optional, laying the guilt trip on her for getting you “upset” she was going to ruin it by forcing you to clean this weekend. And if you’re really dramatic, start up a fight about it then throw the certificate at her and say something like “I guess you don’t need this, then”.
You’ll also need a ready made BS excuse as to why you’re giving it to her, unless you do that sort of thing at times. Yes, it may be lame, but even if she suspects anything, she won’t care the minute she walks through the spa door. Always a happy ending.
(I’m 2/2)
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United States -
Laurie - If I were to exercise or go to the gym, maybe the other items would have never made it in there.
Martha - By 700 lbs I was kind of exaggerating. Maybe 125.
chris - I like your ideas but unfortunately if I get her a Spa certificate it would have to be from the Spa that her sister manages (at quite a swank place around here might I add). Because if I were to ever get her a spa date anywhere else, all hell would break loose. Therefore, I’m probably kinda screwed. No-Doz it is. PS, whenever I enter a spa for a massage, it’s ONLY for the happy ending.
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United States -
Well, if you spend tonight and tomorrow cleaning, then you can probably negotiate Sunday pretty easily and that’s when the biggest games are on anyways.
The trick is to get an early start and be earnest. If she feels you’ve put forth a good day’s or even half a day’s effort and made “progress” then negotiating a “relaxation” day on Sunday should be a lot easier.
If she’s still manic after a solid Saturday, then my best advice is to offer to cook dinner and get a bottle of wine. Some carne asada on the barby or stove and some Alice White Chiraz have never failed me in calming my SO down after a spell of general hecticness.
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United States -
Stop it. Do what she says. You know you will. Amor.
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United States -
Greg - it’s time you waxed poetic on one very dazzling and productive, C. Ronaldo. 26 goals in 51 matches for 2007 - for club and country. Clearly a cut above the rest.
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