Porto Purchase New Technology, Domination Imminent

By: Greg | May 22nd, 2007

bess Porto have apparently purchased a small piece of the Borg ship that Chelsea purchased back when Abramovich bought the team. This will now allow them to assimilate all as resistance to the Porto way is futile.

If I saw this on the cover of one of the various football rags or even in their transfer gossip section, I would probably flip past it without a second thought. Some of the things that they publish are just absolutely irresponsible journalism. I realize it’s responsible capitalism since it sells rags, but where is the line between rumor and “pulled from the lower colon” supposed to be drawn?

For the purpose of being able to differentiate, I propose the following labels be put on information. This way, the average person can adjust their excitement meters based on the categorization of said piece of info. Starting with closest to being true and descending downward into the depths of the boiler rooms of tabloids…

**Level 1. Publicly confirmed by one or both parties

**Level 2. Publicly confirmed by involved party

**Level 3. Publicly confirmed by a team source or representative

**Level 4. Confirmed by source close to one or both parties

**Level 5. BBC Online’s Gossip and Transfer page item not confirmed by “Various”

**Level 6. Any rumor involving an exchange of more than 60 million euros/pounds

**Level 7. Any rumor involving Sporting selling a future mega starlet for more than 13 million pounds.

**Level 8. Any rumor saying Chelsea is buying someone other than a midfielder

**Level 9. Any rumor containing the words “swoop” or “shopping list.” (as in Ronaldinho, Didier Drogba, and Messi are on Toronto FC’s summer swoop shopping list.) Yeah, they’re on my list too.

**Level 10. Anything that feels like the reporter filled out a MadLibs puzzle or someone threw darts at a board with columns marked “Team” “Position” “Player” and “Fee”. As in: Scunthorpe United are in the market for a striker and are looking at giving Wayne Rooney 3 million pounds.

**Level 11. Any rumor involving a player within sniffing distance of his prime going overseas to join the MLS. (Sorry MLS guys) The way that a lot of international players are regarding the MLS is the way I regard the softball league I play in. I probably said when I played baseball in high school that one day I’d like to play in a liquored-up old man softball league. At this point, to European stars, the MLS is basically the football equivalent of Florida: it’s where old people go at the end of their lives.

**Level 12. Any rumor with mismatching superlatives and player, ie: After a prolific first season in the Premiership, never-whining Andriy Shevchenko looks to put a stamp on his sublime first season by pledging his future to the Blues.

Let’s get these classifications to congress / The International Court of Sport or whatever and make them start putting them on tabloids like the Surgeon General puts warnings on cigarettes! Huzzah!