Let’s Hope Porto Become the New York Mets of the Portuguese Liga!

By: Greg | October 1st, 2007

And fall victim to a monumental collapse, because if they don’t, this’ll be the most boring season EVER. Yup, you guessed it… Porto won again! That makes six wins out of six matches for a maximum total of 18 points so far (I wonder why I wrote out “six” twice instead of “6″ and decided to go with “18″ instead of “eighteen” in this sentence. Can you help with this?). On the somersault side, Benfica and Sporting had a decent goalless derby which was about the worst possible result that anyone NOT rooting for Porto could have hoped for. I’ll save the full recap for tomorrow since there’s still a game left to be played today, but what I want to touch on real quickly today, since there’s probably no point in writing much about league games for the REST OF THE YEAR, is something that’s been bothering me for quite some time. That something is Christian Miles, the ubiquitous Fox Soccer Channel personality.

Who is he related to at Fox? Seriously. His uncle must be running programming or something because there’s no way anyone that isn’t related to this guy would keep him on. Why do I feel this way? Let’s look at a bunch of quick points regarding this tool shed:

He’s a teacher’s pet – Did I go to elementary school with Chrissy? No. But I know he was a teacher’s pet. You know why? In reality, we all went to elementary school with A Christian Miles. You can tell he was the type of guy who stayed after school to clean the erasers and always had the desk right in front of the class, nearest the teacher’s desk. He looks like I would have hated him when I was eight, so this is probably why I hate him now.

He’s not “one of the guys” — Ever see him on that set that’s supposed to look like a bar but is really just one giant Bass ad? You think he looks like he belongs sitting at the end of that bar? Maybe with a glass of cabernet or a wine cooler in front of him, sure. Otherwise, he just doesn’t fit in and doesn’t “feel right.” After you get done watching whatever football you watch on the weekends, flip over to one of the networks for their American football coverage. The NFL is the most popular league by a couple thousand LIGHTYEARS right now in the United States. Who do the networks have covering the country’s most popular sport, before, during, and after? Former players and people with some sort of connection to the game. While the former players are, in fact, prone to some less than cerebral comments sometimes, you will actually get some form of genuine insight because they’ve “been there.” There’s no way in hell Miles feels like he’s “been there” on the pitch which leads me to my next point…

Oregon is in the Pacific Northwest, not just outside of London — He was born in Oregon, sounds like a Canadian, and forces British euphemisms into his commentary that just don’t work. He feels fake. When he’s reading whatever copy they gave him to recite about a given match and drops in words like “”reckon” or phrases like that shot “went begging” it just doesn’t sound right. You know why? HE’S NOT BRITISH. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard him say “reckon” exactly, but you get my point. If you don’t get my point, instead of trying to pull your eardrums out with a staple remover at half, listen to him awkwardly read the copy that’s in front of him. He sounds like a foreign exchange student who you trick into saying vulgar things. However, instead of asking girls if they want to see his wiener with heavy a Uzbek accent, he’s tripping over non-native slang like “bust up” and ends up sounding like nothing more than a real “spotted dick.”

These are just three of about four hundred and sixty seven different things I have to complain about in regards to this wee-nor. No complaining will go without recommending a solution to the problem. I’d like to replace him with me. I’d be better in every aspect. Which isn’t saying much because this guy’s about as sharp as a four pound bag of poo situated on top of a warming blanket. I’ll be here tomorrow with the full Jornada 6 recap, scores, and Champions League chat. Until then, I’m going back to my day job of being fabulous.